You're ignoring me and I feel so alone.
I'm always alone.
I hope you have fun without me.
Update:
I made a revelation last night.
I am alone. I am always going to be alone. If I were to vanish no one would care except my cats, and even then it would only be for a month or so.
But they are all I have. Me and my two cats.
And I'm going to have to be okay with that because as hard as I try that's what it came back to.
No one else cares.
Sometimes I want to stop living so that everything stops hurting.
Actually that's most of the time anymore.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Saturday, May 4, 2013
:(
I had another anxiety attack last night.
It really came out of nowhere, I was feeling really good and then all of a sudden: bam. You hate yourself, everyone hates you, you're trash, no one wants to be your friend.
It was sort of triggered by my best friend ignoring my facebook messages, I had sent her one and I know she saw it but didn't respond. I never get to see her, so online is the only way we talk. And I know it's because her boyfriend is over, she never talks to me when he's there. I get that he's more important than I am, but I just. I dunno. She's the only friend I really have and it hurts when she ignores me.
But it's not her fault, I always get anxiety attacks and I don't know why and I can't stop them. All I can do is go to sleep and hope I feel better when I wake up. Today I didn't feel better at all.
She said the reason she didn't answer is because she fell asleep.
So now I feel more stupid.
She doesn't really know I get these attacks, I don't want to burden her. I don't want to be clingy.
I just want someone who likes me.
It really came out of nowhere, I was feeling really good and then all of a sudden: bam. You hate yourself, everyone hates you, you're trash, no one wants to be your friend.
It was sort of triggered by my best friend ignoring my facebook messages, I had sent her one and I know she saw it but didn't respond. I never get to see her, so online is the only way we talk. And I know it's because her boyfriend is over, she never talks to me when he's there. I get that he's more important than I am, but I just. I dunno. She's the only friend I really have and it hurts when she ignores me.
But it's not her fault, I always get anxiety attacks and I don't know why and I can't stop them. All I can do is go to sleep and hope I feel better when I wake up. Today I didn't feel better at all.
She said the reason she didn't answer is because she fell asleep.
So now I feel more stupid.
She doesn't really know I get these attacks, I don't want to burden her. I don't want to be clingy.
I just want someone who likes me.
Friday, April 19, 2013
SO LIFE.
So I just found out that the girl i'm being forced to live with next year, thinks that I'm jealous of her, and has apparently been telling people I'm crazy. What the fuck? First of all, I'm not jealous of her, because I am pretty sure there's some serious fucking issues going on in her head (she seriously though she was moving to maine with this guy she just met). And also I'm almost 21??? I hated being 18, why the fuck would I be jealous of that again?? I also hated my freshman year. Plus, she's the one that keeps trying to get me to rush with her (uhh, I'm going to be a senior, no thanks?? there's a reason I haven't done it in the previous years) and trying to get me to stay an extra year so I can graduate with her. Wtf.
Well. I guess it's a good thing I've just decided to be cordially distant from her before I found this out. Oh well. Goes to show that I only really have one friend in the world, and that one friend lives in Indiana and I have only seen her once. Yaaay.
And I tries to hand out with my old roommate but she went home for the weekend and wont be here so I really am all alone.
But I've thought of a good thing to do for Crystal's (exroommate from last year) birthday. Going to ask my RA for a big sheet of butcher paper and write a big happy birthday on it and take it to her door. She lives in another building, but I think I can do it. Her birthday is on Tuesday.
I just feel a little upset that the crazy girl actually thinks I want to be her. No way, you had sex with some random guy you'd known for only a month. And are playing it off like an "accident." I mean, have sex with strangers that's whatever, but at least own up to your decisions when it turns out the guy is a tool.
Although she is apparently maybe getting with this other guy on the floor who is also a huge toolbag (made fat jokes at me, like I know I'm fat but I'm trying really hard) and they definitely deserve each other. Can't wait for that to happen.
This was dramatic, sorry.
Well. I guess it's a good thing I've just decided to be cordially distant from her before I found this out. Oh well. Goes to show that I only really have one friend in the world, and that one friend lives in Indiana and I have only seen her once. Yaaay.
And I tries to hand out with my old roommate but she went home for the weekend and wont be here so I really am all alone.
But I've thought of a good thing to do for Crystal's (exroommate from last year) birthday. Going to ask my RA for a big sheet of butcher paper and write a big happy birthday on it and take it to her door. She lives in another building, but I think I can do it. Her birthday is on Tuesday.
I just feel a little upset that the crazy girl actually thinks I want to be her. No way, you had sex with some random guy you'd known for only a month. And are playing it off like an "accident." I mean, have sex with strangers that's whatever, but at least own up to your decisions when it turns out the guy is a tool.
Although she is apparently maybe getting with this other guy on the floor who is also a huge toolbag (made fat jokes at me, like I know I'm fat but I'm trying really hard) and they definitely deserve each other. Can't wait for that to happen.
This was dramatic, sorry.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Getting better....but I probably just jinxed it.
I had a stats test today that I actually think I did well on. Of course, knowing me and math I probably failed miserably. Super. But hopefully it wasn't that bad I guess. I did the math, and unless I ace the final (unlikely) the best I can do in my Brain and Behavior class is a B. That sucks. Up until now, I've kept a 4.0 in all my psychology classes. But one B shouldn't bring me down too much?? At least, I hope not. Thankfully I now have no more tests until finals (in 4 weeks) so that should give me time to work on all the little assignments that have snuck up on me this semester. I have to do 4 extra credit papers, one medium sized paper for my English class, and one last big portfolio turn in. I can do it! I can, because I have to. I don't really get a choice.
I am tired of these people on my floor. Dunno who is reading this (apparently people actually are? thanks for looking at these posts), and if you're from my floor I guess I'm sorry? I just want to go home and never see these people. They're very high maintenance friends, and I just can't take that all the time. I am sort of looking forward to a new floor next year. And one of the three girls I'm rooming with I know is a chill person, so at least I'll have her. I'm also a little irked that because of our new fourth roommate, the other girl (not chill girl) is now not wanting to contribute anything to our room because she doesn't want to "trust a stranger" Girl you'll be living with her. You'd better get used to it.
I also played sims a lot today. I needed it. I started like 8 fires in my sims lot, it was pretty funny. There was some needed therapy in that. Now I have to clean a lot tomorrow, maybe make our room look at least a little better. It needs help. Then hopefully I'll do EVEN MORE homework.
Life is boring sometimes. But boring is better than tumultuous.
I wish I had good friends here.
I am tired of these people on my floor. Dunno who is reading this (apparently people actually are? thanks for looking at these posts), and if you're from my floor I guess I'm sorry? I just want to go home and never see these people. They're very high maintenance friends, and I just can't take that all the time. I am sort of looking forward to a new floor next year. And one of the three girls I'm rooming with I know is a chill person, so at least I'll have her. I'm also a little irked that because of our new fourth roommate, the other girl (not chill girl) is now not wanting to contribute anything to our room because she doesn't want to "trust a stranger" Girl you'll be living with her. You'd better get used to it.
I also played sims a lot today. I needed it. I started like 8 fires in my sims lot, it was pretty funny. There was some needed therapy in that. Now I have to clean a lot tomorrow, maybe make our room look at least a little better. It needs help. Then hopefully I'll do EVEN MORE homework.
Life is boring sometimes. But boring is better than tumultuous.
I wish I had good friends here.
Monday, April 15, 2013
It seems like things get worse before they get better.
Today was a pretty terrible turn of events. It started out great, I went home this weekend and I got to sleep in after making the decision to skip my early class (we weren't doing a whole lot today). That seemed nice, until I got to school and realized my helpful cat knocked my ID and room key off of my desk and down by the wall, where I left it. Sweet. At my school, your ID is everything. It's how you eat, get into your building, print things, everything. You need your ID for it all. And, I live an hour away and had to get to my other class. Freaked out, I called my dad who lectured me on how busy he was and told me to just go home myself. I would have, except I have no gas and no time. I called my mom and she said she'd have to bring it up around 7 PM. Great, okay. I have to get through a whole day without having access to anything.
Now I think my dad might be mad at me for asking him to bring my ID up.
So, with my brain full of that, I completely forgot to go to the bullshit "minicourse" my Brain and Behavior professor is making us do (at 7PM) and it was the last day. That course is 20% of our grade. I went to the other two classes and can still do the essay, so I hope forgetting just once wont bring me down too much. Hope.
I also have to turn in my portfolio for the Evolutionary Psychology class I'm taking, due before 5 PM tomorrow. I am about 2/3 done with it, I just really don't want to do the last one. But I have to, I will probably finish it after this.
I also found out that I will have a roommate for next year. I was living in a 4 person suite, but there were only 3 of us. So it seemed like I was going to have my own room. Sadly, another girl signed up for it today. Ugh. Her facebook looks weird, but I think she's the sister of my friend so I'll just have to ask her about it. Maybe she'll turn out to be okay. I probably should have gone with an apartment.
It seems like my pile never stops getting bigger.
Still no news on my internships.
Now I think my dad might be mad at me for asking him to bring my ID up.
So, with my brain full of that, I completely forgot to go to the bullshit "minicourse" my Brain and Behavior professor is making us do (at 7PM) and it was the last day. That course is 20% of our grade. I went to the other two classes and can still do the essay, so I hope forgetting just once wont bring me down too much. Hope.
I also have to turn in my portfolio for the Evolutionary Psychology class I'm taking, due before 5 PM tomorrow. I am about 2/3 done with it, I just really don't want to do the last one. But I have to, I will probably finish it after this.
I also found out that I will have a roommate for next year. I was living in a 4 person suite, but there were only 3 of us. So it seemed like I was going to have my own room. Sadly, another girl signed up for it today. Ugh. Her facebook looks weird, but I think she's the sister of my friend so I'll just have to ask her about it. Maybe she'll turn out to be okay. I probably should have gone with an apartment.
It seems like my pile never stops getting bigger.
Still no news on my internships.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
So, uh....
I logged on thinking I needed a place to blog about my social anxiety without fear of anyone seeing...and it turns out people have been looking at this shit??? It had like 200 views. What the hell. I only told like 3 people max about this thing. I should probably change the title to something less pretentious sounding.
Anyway, turns out I was looking at KU with rose colored lenses. Not that I don't love the campus and most of my classes, but it's so goddamned hard to meet people here. Like, holy shit. I meet people in the dorms, yeah, but for starters they're all younger than me. I really feel like I was maybe gypped by not getting to go the first year, but man you wouldn't think there would be such a maturity difference between 18 and 20. I hate basically everyone on the floor, including two of my roommates, and the three (four, if you count my last roommate) are super high strung. One girl has calmed down a lot, and I think I'll get along better with her for the last bit. The girl I'm living with next year, sadly, is turning out to be a little nuts. I like her, she's nice, but holy shit. There was this huge.....confrontation with this guy my roommate was lab partners with (he's 23) and the girl I'm going to live with next year grew just obsessed. Not all her fault, he completely led her on with no intentions of becoming her boyfriend like she assumed. It became insane and she stopped talking to me, my roommate, and the girl whom I like the most right now. She discovered that he was lying to her, but now it's just awkward and I don't really want to live with her anymore. Oh well, what's done is done. Not much choice now. Hopefully she'll find someone else I guess.
I just really miss being with people my own age. I have my roommate now, who I really like, but she's not living on campus again next year. She'll have an apartment. So I'm afraid I wont see her as much. And I keep thinking maybe I'll make new friends, but holy shit most will be freshman. Again. And I'll be a senior. I want to be with people my age and go to bars with people my age. I'm going to be 21 for fuck's sake. I want to hang out with other 21 year olds. I want to find a nice guy, who is also 21, and hang out with him too. I'm pretty lonely, actually. I thought I had met great people, and I guess I have. Maybe my criteria for good friend is too high. I don't know.
I'm also struggling with finding an internship over summer. I settled on Human Resources, did a pretty sweet internship in London last semester, but now I can't find any for this summer. And it's not like I am applying to an assload of places and am getting no response, I can't even find any internships to apply to in the first place. I've filled out about three applications so far, and one of the positions was cancelled. So now I have two. And it's hard to find others. Hopefully something will go right soon.
I also applied for a job next school year to be an office assistant for the Office of Study Abroad. Hopefully that will go through and I'll get that job? I don't fucking know. I just wish I could feel relaxed. I can't relax myself and I'm slowly losing my mind.
Well this was a long post.
A little therapeutic though.
Anyway, turns out I was looking at KU with rose colored lenses. Not that I don't love the campus and most of my classes, but it's so goddamned hard to meet people here. Like, holy shit. I meet people in the dorms, yeah, but for starters they're all younger than me. I really feel like I was maybe gypped by not getting to go the first year, but man you wouldn't think there would be such a maturity difference between 18 and 20. I hate basically everyone on the floor, including two of my roommates, and the three (four, if you count my last roommate) are super high strung. One girl has calmed down a lot, and I think I'll get along better with her for the last bit. The girl I'm living with next year, sadly, is turning out to be a little nuts. I like her, she's nice, but holy shit. There was this huge.....confrontation with this guy my roommate was lab partners with (he's 23) and the girl I'm going to live with next year grew just obsessed. Not all her fault, he completely led her on with no intentions of becoming her boyfriend like she assumed. It became insane and she stopped talking to me, my roommate, and the girl whom I like the most right now. She discovered that he was lying to her, but now it's just awkward and I don't really want to live with her anymore. Oh well, what's done is done. Not much choice now. Hopefully she'll find someone else I guess.
I just really miss being with people my own age. I have my roommate now, who I really like, but she's not living on campus again next year. She'll have an apartment. So I'm afraid I wont see her as much. And I keep thinking maybe I'll make new friends, but holy shit most will be freshman. Again. And I'll be a senior. I want to be with people my age and go to bars with people my age. I'm going to be 21 for fuck's sake. I want to hang out with other 21 year olds. I want to find a nice guy, who is also 21, and hang out with him too. I'm pretty lonely, actually. I thought I had met great people, and I guess I have. Maybe my criteria for good friend is too high. I don't know.
I'm also struggling with finding an internship over summer. I settled on Human Resources, did a pretty sweet internship in London last semester, but now I can't find any for this summer. And it's not like I am applying to an assload of places and am getting no response, I can't even find any internships to apply to in the first place. I've filled out about three applications so far, and one of the positions was cancelled. So now I have two. And it's hard to find others. Hopefully something will go right soon.
I also applied for a job next school year to be an office assistant for the Office of Study Abroad. Hopefully that will go through and I'll get that job? I don't fucking know. I just wish I could feel relaxed. I can't relax myself and I'm slowly losing my mind.
Well this was a long post.
A little therapeutic though.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
WHOOPS I DIDN'T UPDATE FOR TWO MONTHS.
WELL! Where to start. Hum. I finished my semester with a 3.4! Whoo! I have two A's and two B's. Hopefully that's enough to get me some form of scholarship at KU. Next semester I have to take Trigonometry, Macro (or maybe it's Micro, I forget) economics, philosophy 100, and marketing. I've decided that I want to go into Business, marketing to be exact. I'm taking that class at Maple just to make sure, but I really think it's what I want to do now. I definitely don't want to be a teacher anymore, screw that. Anyway I planned out the rest of my college career (loosely, anyway) and I can totally graduate in four years still if I bust my butt my Junior year. The only downside is that I now have to take Calculus 1, Trig, Calc 2, and then a cal-based Statistics class. NOT looking forward to that.
Oh well.
I suppose I should also talk about Christmas, yes? I only asked for one thing from my parents: The Sims 3: Late Night. I got it (because it was the only thing I asked for) as well as a replacement DS (my mom found on E-Bay for me since mine broke for some unknown reason) and this AWESOME new purse I fell in love with at JC Penny. My mom saw me looking longingly at it and I guess she bought it later. It was a pretty sweet Christmas, my crazy ass Grandma didn't even make snide remarks (probably because my cousin's wife was there and she tends to behave herself when around non-blood relatives). The Sims game is awesome, mine totally lives in a sweet apartment and is a vampire. The vampires make hilarious and completely unnecessary 'whooshing' noises when they run. I laugh.
HOWEVER. My sim, the one I made for this game, is weird. Well, not her, her ex-fiancée. I say EX-fiancée because he burst into flames.
In the middle of their wedding ceremony.
WHY I have no idea. He just did. It was the weirdest fucking thing ever, but she moved on. I made her. And now she's got a husband and this SWEET vampire kid. His name is Wyrick and I'm going to do a legacy with him. Yessss. I'll post the link here when I start it.
Also, I've really gotten into Hetalia. At first I hated it a lot because I thought it made a mockery of history, but the guy who writes the webcomic is actually really smart and most of it is pretty funny. I love England the most.
If I think of anything else I guess I'll make a new entry?
P.S. I'm going to make a LiveJournal too, since no one ever comes here. Here's the link: http://cabby367.livejournal.com
P.P.S. Listen to the song 'Bulletproof Heart' by My Chemical Romance. Oh my god it is beautiful. My sister gave me the CD for Christmas and I immediately fell in love with that song.
Oh well.
I suppose I should also talk about Christmas, yes? I only asked for one thing from my parents: The Sims 3: Late Night. I got it (because it was the only thing I asked for) as well as a replacement DS (my mom found on E-Bay for me since mine broke for some unknown reason) and this AWESOME new purse I fell in love with at JC Penny. My mom saw me looking longingly at it and I guess she bought it later. It was a pretty sweet Christmas, my crazy ass Grandma didn't even make snide remarks (probably because my cousin's wife was there and she tends to behave herself when around non-blood relatives). The Sims game is awesome, mine totally lives in a sweet apartment and is a vampire. The vampires make hilarious and completely unnecessary 'whooshing' noises when they run. I laugh.
HOWEVER. My sim, the one I made for this game, is weird. Well, not her, her ex-fiancée. I say EX-fiancée because he burst into flames.
In the middle of their wedding ceremony.
WHY I have no idea. He just did. It was the weirdest fucking thing ever, but she moved on. I made her. And now she's got a husband and this SWEET vampire kid. His name is Wyrick and I'm going to do a legacy with him. Yessss. I'll post the link here when I start it.
Also, I've really gotten into Hetalia. At first I hated it a lot because I thought it made a mockery of history, but the guy who writes the webcomic is actually really smart and most of it is pretty funny. I love England the most.
If I think of anything else I guess I'll make a new entry?
P.S. I'm going to make a LiveJournal too, since no one ever comes here. Here's the link: http://cabby367.livejournal.com
P.P.S. Listen to the song 'Bulletproof Heart' by My Chemical Romance. Oh my god it is beautiful. My sister gave me the CD for Christmas and I immediately fell in love with that song.
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